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Thursday, January 1st, 2009
1:22 am - 2009 is an hour and half old
...and I've already fought with one cabbie, had words with a random drunk person on the street, and had to pull the don't-even-try-pulling-shit-on-me on another cabbie.

Cabbie: "I don't go to Astoria."
Me: "You have to, it's New York City law to take me where I need to go within city limits."
Cabbie: "Are you going to pay me double to fare?" (to go to Astoria)
Me: "I'm not paying you double anything. If you've got a problem, I'll just get another cab."
Cabbie: "Don't worry ma'am, I'll take you there." (pause) "Are you drunk?"
Me: "I don't drink". (A lie, but luckily sober enough to pull it off).
Cabbie:"Ah." (pause) "I think I know how to get there. Are you from here?"
Me: "I've lived here all my life." (another lie) "Take the Queensboro and I'll direct you from there."

Cabbie then proceeds to tell me his life story, punctuating every sentence with "you know?" "It's very cold out, you know? Times Square is crazy, you know? I'm out tonight trying to help people, you know? The Jews are killing people, you know? In the Gaza, you know? You're very pretty, you know?"

God help me if this is any indication how 2009 is going to be. Fighting with people, making sure I'm not taken advantage of, and biting my tongue.

Sigh. Giggle.

Sometimes you just have to laugh.

Happy New Year.

current mood: weird

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Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
HE WON!!! HE WON!!!!!

WE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My faith in humanity has been restored somewhat today. I'm so proud and...yes!

I certainly don't expect him to be the Savior. But Lord...today this country took a step in the right direction. It took us 200 something years but WE DID IT!!!!!

current mood: ecstatic

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Saturday, April 12th, 2008
3:50 pm - Control
What would happen if I just let it go? Knowing that I won't know where it's going to go, being afraid, and letting it go anyway?

I'll never know until I try. In acting, and my life.

current mood: contemplative

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3:14 pm - Restless
...and itchy and want to just go somewhere, do something. But I'm at work right now and I can't. I guess this is what waiting for calls is always going to be like, though I'm trying my best not to. One show I'm pretty sure I don't have, since the job starts on Monday. The other? Well...waiting...hoping.


current mood: restless

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Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
7:30 am - Getting it off my chest
I'm supposed to be using this early-morning time to do work that's due tomorrrow, but for the love of God I can't focus until I get this off my chest instead...

I had an audition on Saturday. A pretty big, grown-up audition, meaning that somone high-up on the totem called made a call on my behalf and got me seen. It involved singing and acting for a show I love. If I get it, it means a Broadway run or a national tour, and an Equity card. I went in, did my best--of course there are things I wish I could have done better--but the great thing was, I had FUN, and I haven't been able to say that about any audition I've gone on.

That was Saturday. Yesterday was Monday. Tried to not look at my cell to see if there were any missed calls but of course I did. Felt like/feel like a big dork. It's so cliche, isn't it? The image of the actor waiting for the phone to ring. Going over everything that I did in my head, which I told myself I wouldn't do. Made me snappish with people I'm usually patient with (or maybe that's my cycle starting and I can blame that on the hormones). Yesterday two of my closest friends asked me what was wrong and I sheepily confessed my anxiety over herbal tea, to which they nodded and said to let it go...I'd done what I could, there's nothing I can do now and the rest is up to God or whoever the hell is up there. Acknowlege that I'm waiting, that I'm anxious, and let it go.

OK. I did my best. Yes.
I'm waiting for the phone to ring. Yes.
I'm anxious. Yes.
I want this badly. Yes. Yes.

Will there be other auditions? Yes. But I want this one.

OK. That's off my chest. Going back to work.

current mood: anxious

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Sunday, March 23rd, 2008
9:31 pm - Spring Break over...
...not that one was really had, being that I had rehearsal and work almost every day. But I had the weekend off, which was lovely. So lovely.

Friday night went to a friend's apt out in Jersey, ate pizza, drank wine, hung out. It's important to relax with friends to retain sanity. Hilarity and conversation were had. Night ended with friend's husband, a rather dignified individual, skipping down the street to the car.

Yesterday I had a voice lesson, then walked down 60 blocks down through the Upper West Side, stopping in clothing stores on the way. The funny thing? I can now fit into clothes--shock!--quite easily in stores that I love. Ok, that's not the funny part. The funny part is that they fit and I still don't like a lot of them. Oh, don't get me wrong, I loved PLENTY of the stuff I tried on at Club Monaco, Agnes B, BCBG, Luluemon (to name a few) but I'm still way too *short* for a lot of them. Skirts cut me off in the wrong places and pants, for the most part, are still too long. Sigh. Better for me, I guess, and my credit card!

This morning I caught a bit of the Easter Parade, sweated out to Physique, and then met up with a friend for a talk at Lincoln Center, where said friend and our voice coach informed me that I was being a dink for not asking this working Broadway actor a question I wanted to ask. It doesn't matter how old I get, I still feel like a dork when I ask questions about something I care about...ergh! Anyway, got dragged over to said artist by her and my voice coach, asked the question and felt better, though the niggling dorkdom feeling still prevailed.

Then went and ran lines for the play I'm in over tea, sandwiches, and banana nutella cake at Alice's Tea Cup. The banana nutella cake was heavenly. I can recommend it.

A nice way to end Easter. A nice way to end Spring Break, all 48 hours of it.

current mood: content

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Sunday, March 16th, 2008
11:37 am - Need to relax.
Does anyone else ever feel that they're living life in baby steps? Or is that just me being impatient?

I'm finally starting to understand a lot of things, do things instead of saying "I wish I could". I take chances and sometimes they work and sometimes they don't but at least I tried. Which doesn't mean that I don't fall back into old habits, but I feel I'm making progress. Baby steps progress. Baby has to leave the nest. Gah.

I graduate in 9 weeks. I can hardly believe it, and I'll say unabashedly that I'm starting to freak out, though I'm doing my best to tamp it down and enjoy the time that's left. For three years I've felt the most fufilled I've ever been, and I'm terrified that means that I'm overdue for a long black spot of some kind. Which is not to say that these past few years have been without anxiety, exhaustion, tears, self-doubt, etc.. But God, I will miss it so much.

I need to remember I had a life before doing this program. I miss things about that, too. Having time for my friends and family. Having money.

Need to breathe!

current mood: scared

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Thursday, March 6th, 2008
3:10 pm - Ahhhh, auditioning....
Had one today for a rather prestigious theater festival. Was a bit miffed that they only asked me to do one after having prepared two, and chose the dramatic one. Of course after I was finished, I wondered if I should have done the comedic.

Went OK, I think. I never know how these things go. Sometimes you think you're terrible and it's great, other times you think you're really on and nothing reads to the audience. So...I don't know how it went. I'm trying not to over-anyalze everything I saw out of the corner of my eye as I did monologue (hands over mouths, glancing at each other. I mean, really, WTF), and focus on the positive...hey, I got to perform today in front of people who don't know me from Adam. And I looked good! I must admit, this "always dress like someone's going to hire you" advice does wonders for your confidence. Though I do have to say, I miss my overalls.

Absolutely hate waiting for the phone to ring. Argh. Well, I wanted to be an actor :)

Is it bad after an audition to want to sack in the rest of the day, have a glass of wine and a bath and just go to bed?

current mood: nervous

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Monday, February 18th, 2008
4:05 pm - Day off!
It's niiiiiice.

I suppose I should be doing productive things--like clean my room and get organized--but I just can't seem to get motivated. The show went well, and I'm very happy about that. I'm exhausted as hell over this little 10 minute play we put up, but I'm happy...happy that I chose it and that it was well recieved and I got to work with some people I never had before. Happy that I know I can do a lead. Happy that people came. Happy that I went out with friends afterwards and celebrated. Just...happy.

On a completely different note, I've been going to this place called Physique 57 quite a bit. I'd read about it in Time Out and thought what the hell, it looks interesting. I'm completely hooked now. It's a series of isometric exercises using rubber balls, weights, and a ballet barre, and after two and a half weeks on it I can feel the changes in my body. I bought a newcomer unlimited pass for a month, but the price jacks up after the month is over. Grrr...I might suck it up and buy the 20 class pass, even though it's going to cost an arm and a leg. What the hell, you only live once. Better than spending it on booze, right?

All right, it's officially the afternoon. Going to get some life stuff done before the crunch of school starts again tomorrrow.

I'm going to blink, and it's going to be May. Still can't believe it.

current mood: content

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Thursday, January 24th, 2008
9:52 pm - I needed tonight
Today started out crappy. Stressed, preoccupied, trying desperately to squelch the feelings of negativity, only to have them rear their ugly heads even more. Then had to go off to a class which Ioathe.

Thought I was going to go have a quiet drink with a friend afterwards, where we could commiserate together. After a queit drink or two at happy hour, I wuld go home and be good and work. Turned out a bunch of people from our class were at the bar, and I coulnd't have had a nicer time. It was fun. Really fun. Everyone let their guard down, myself included, and it was just *fun*. Didn't have a care in the world.

I need fun. People need fun. Once in awhile we need to step back, stop trying to be "good", and let loose, because life isn't worth it unless you let loose once in awhile.

current mood: chipper

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Monday, January 21st, 2008
10:31 am - And so...
...back to the grind.

Well, not quite yet, but as of tomorrow I hit the ground running. Suddenly I have a million things to do and no time to do any of it. What the hell have I been doing the last four weeks? I have no idea.

1) Relaxing - lots
2) Cooking - lots
3) Working - not as much as I'd like
4) Seeing friends - see above
5) Catching up on the DVR - see above
6) Working out - lots!
7) Eating - which unfortunately negates 6
8) Drinking - see above
9) Reading for pleasure
10) Got headshots reproduced
11) Knit
12) Upgraded computer

In terms of productivity...well. Haven't done as much as I should in terms of being a go-getting little actor.

But then I haven't wanted to. It was my last break before my last semester and for the most part, I did what I wanted. So I shoulnd't thrash myself over not being "productive", right?

Speaking of which...off to the gym.

current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, December 22nd, 2007
1:17 pm - It's quiet
The quiet that comes with the end of the semester. It's not quite as unnerving this time around, though. It's welcome. Right now I'm in my apartment making a half-hearted attempt to clean it, but the lethargy of my limbs and mind is making that attempt difficult. I might have to resort to my can't-deal-right-now method...put everything in piles and deal with it later.

I'm tired, worn out, but happy. I've been reading over my entries of when I first started this program, what I was afraid of, if I should take this chance. I can't imagine my life if I hadn't gone down this path. I can't imagine my life without any of these people I've met these past few years, or the experiences I've had. What struck me too was how unhappy was before I did this, and how I wasn't even truly aware of it. Then and now...it's a funny thing.

Life is all about taking chances, isn't it? I keep forgetting that. In the words of my teacher, "Try it. And if you fall on your face, SO WHAT?!" I need to hold onto that bit of wisdom. It's funny, Bean and I had a conversation about that way of thinking awhile back, to which he jokingly said something about even the idea of hurt pride being more powerful detriment than people give it credit for. I remember laughing and agreeing with him. Part of me still does, but the rewards can be so great. So can the failures, but hey, at least they were great.

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.

Not me. I promise.

current mood: happy

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Friday, December 21st, 2007
7:38 pm - Winding down
Last day of the semester was today! It's been winding down bit by bit...first Midsummer, then the Cabaret, and then class, then Cyrano last night. I'm off to a birthday party, then home and bed and tomorrow get up and decide what I'm making for Christmas dinner.

So...tired...Christmas is here and I'm not even aware of it.

I'm 5/6ths of the way done with my Master's. Crazy. I don't think I can process that right now. I'll think about it when my brain cells are up to capacity again.

current mood: exhausted

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Saturday, November 24th, 2007
11:15 am - Thanksgiving
Between school and going home and cooking and seeing family it's been such a flurry of activity, I haven't had a moment to sit and think about what I'm thankful for. Now I'm sitting in the kitchen in my parents' house, Sissy is asleep downstairs, and I'm mercifully clear-minded even after four glasses of red wine with my old chums last night.

In six months time I'll have my MFA. It hard to believe that 2 years ago and some change back I was having a breakdown over drinks with Johnnyboy--what the hell am I doing, how am I going to pay for this, now it's real and I'm in and I have to deal with it. And now it's almost over. Funny. I'm happy and sad and overwhelmed at the prospect of being out there again. I alternate between wanting to be out and wanting to stay.

I'm thankful that I took the plunge and decided to go.

I'm thankful that both my parents are in good health.

I'm thankful that I've got a big family, even though most of them think I'm insane.

I'm thankful for the friends that were there for me when I needed them, and for being so understanding when school swallowed up my life.

I'm thankful for all the people that have come into my life--the good, bad, and ugly.

I'm thankful that I've learned it's OK to cry--or rather, that I'm still learning it's OK to cry.

I'm thankful I found a boss who, God bless her, gave me a job when I needed it.

I'm thankful for crisp fall days and good food and wine and New York and the fact that I'm alive and in good health to enjoy it all.

Mmmm, Thanksgiving. Monday the craziness starts again, but for now, everything is good and right with the world.

current mood: calm

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Saturday, September 1st, 2007
11:53 am - Then there's...
...the people on cell phones, crazy homeless people, crazy old people, and bratty kids. Restocking stacks, lost books, and the endless figuring out of out what goes where.

Ha ha...I don't want to be a librarian that much!

current mood: giggly

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11:37 am - My favorite place in the world
...is still the library. Is that terribly nerdy?

Right now I'm sitting in library in the small town where I grew up, typing away on my parents' laptop to make sure their wireless card is working (the problem *is* the router after all. Ha! I win over smug brother unit). It's small, it's clean, it's quiet, and I'm surrounded by books. And hey, now it even has wireless internet access. Perfect!

I love any library, really, but there's something about this one that always makes me happy. My mom would drop me off here and I'd stay for hours at a time. One time she came by to pick me up and the librarian at the front informed her that they were closed. I came running out of the stacks where I'd been huddled up reading, to the surprise of the librarian and the relief of my mother.

I love being surrounded by knowledge. I love the quiet of this place, and quiet usually freaks me out. A few weeks ago I was reading an article in the Times about the "new breed" of librarians, the hipster culture that's starting to pervade the profession. I think it's funny, but it makes me wonder if I missed out on a possible career choice. Not that I'm a hipster--I've got no patience for that--and I'm sure I'd get tired of the endless cataloguing,but a nice 10-6 job with benefits in a pleasant working environment...hm.

Not that I'm giving up what I do. It's just another possible path I look at sometimes.

current mood: thoughtful

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Saturday, July 21st, 2007
7:07 pm - Just finished the last Harry Potter ever.
Cried. Laughed. It's so good. So good. And there won't be any others, but that's OK, because this was just perfect.

current mood: satisfied

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Tuesday, July 17th, 2007
12:38 am - life is only once
Yes, dammit, it is. Takes a midnight chat with Sissy to remind me of that.

Thank goodness for siblings.

current mood: calm

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Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
9:20 pm - ARGH
I'm not asking for much. Seriously. Just a 2 bedroom, not even in Manhattan. In freaking Queens. That's all I want. Why is that so freaking HARD?!

Sometimes I really hate life.

current mood: annoyed

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Tuesday, May 29th, 2007
11:10 pm - Holy Crap...
...back from Florida, checked my grades...

I got an 'A' on my theatre history exam. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

And a 'B' on my research paper but I could see that coming a mile away. For the first time in my life, I did better on an exam than on a paper. The world has officially gone bonkers.


Full of food from BerLin's graduation dinner at Churascuria Plataforma. Their desire for decorum meant that I could not bring an airhorn and whistles as ariginally planned. Ah well. Yelled a lot instead. Ooooof, tummy full. Another doctor in the family. Yay!

Chilling at the parent's for the rest of the week and then it's back to reality, finding a new place to live, trying to make enough money for the next and last year of grad life.

But for now...life is OK.

current mood: complacent

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